I Hate My Ex-Girlfriend

 20 years have passed since I was dumped by my ex-girlfriend Ong Siew Leng, Jacelyn Faith. The good news is that we never got together and we went separate ways before any love could blossom, but the bad news is that I still hate her because I feel betrayed and cheated by her.

I don't want to sink into the hateful, vengeful feeling, but I really cannot bring myself to like or even forgive her. At moments like now when I have nothing to do, I am reminded of her, not of the supposed better times that we spent together, but more so I am reminded of the time I spent wasted on her when we were undergraduates at Nanyang Technological University. To me, she was a complete waste of my precious time and resources especially when we were younger. 

By now, both she and I are 44 years of age, so old that romance is a complete joke, but I just cannot bring myself to forgive her for causing me all that pain when I was actually 24 years old and a much younger, innocent and impressionable self.

I was at an age when I was willing to try new things and explore what life could have in store for me, especially since OSL was a Christian wannabe so I was willing to see if I might convert to be a Christian and get a relationship going. Yet, she broke my trust by telling me that God asked her to abandon me, and she supposedly went ahead to rekindle her love for a Christian boyfriend named Gabriel Fu. I was like: if you want a Christian boyfriend then why did you stick so close to me when we were classmates? She was as confused and lost as I was as a youth, so by right I shouldn't blame her but who do I blame if it weren't for her treachery? 

The good thing on my end was that I told myself that due to her inconsistency, I would commit to our friendship as far as I got her and I safely out of varsity. After varsity I was willing to end the relationship for good, and the outcome was that she really threw me out of the window once we graduated. I am actually grateful that I did not have any sexual intimacy with her because we were simply incompatible where our religious views were concerned. I was trying to be a decent Buddhist while she wanted to be a good Christian, we might be both religious but our doctrines were simply different. 

Yet, I still hate her. The problem for me is not that she dumped me, the problem is that I needed someone to hate, and OSL is whom I am going to hate for all that mattered to me. But hating someone expends energy and clouds the mind, because of my hatred for OSL, I'm not able to think as clearly as I would like to. It's complicated.

The last thing I might want is to have OSL crawling back to me, we have already gone separate ways and we should never reconcile the slightest bit. I pray that OSL dies as soon as possible and I can care less whether she ends up in Christian heaven or Buddhist hell, my point is that I curse her deeply and it's the least I can do to help myself feel vindicated.

If I were to just recall vividly our past, I was at a youthful age when I was just going with the motion of what everyone else were doing. Guys were chasing girls, and I was celebrating the liberty of becoming a fully-grown up adult and free to make my own friends. Yet, because I ended up treating those friendships as something real, I ended up feeling deceived by my own beliefs. Not a single of those university friends that I made actually lasted for long, by now I have gone separate ways with all of my so-called university friends and I am actually happier that I did not have to spend money on attending their so-called weddings, housewarmings and baby bashes. I ended up observing Buddhist traditions and donating money to support non-profits and charitable organisations instead. Like I say, my involvement in Buddhism turns out to be vindicative and I feel happier choosing my own lifestyle instead of doing something because everyone was doing the same thing.

I still hate OSL that's for sure. I really don't know how to handle this hatred, but at least I need to be true to myself, if I don't like her I won't want to pretend that we are friends when the anger in me is very deep.